I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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