you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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