Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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