I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
