My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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