Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
