im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
