There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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