How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
