Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
