im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
