did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
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