I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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