you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
