I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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