hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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