He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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