Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
