It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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