so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
