Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
