you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
