if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
