My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
