Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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