Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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