I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Mom said you looked used
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
