grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
In other news, I just burned my penis
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
