His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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