We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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