Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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