I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
We had to coat check the pizza.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
