So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
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I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
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Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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