Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
