Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
