Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
