Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My underwear smells like fireworks.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
