She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
