I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize