I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
