Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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