i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
