A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
