I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i love accidental penises.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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