Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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