Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
