Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
