Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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