i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
