i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
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She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
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That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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