i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
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