Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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