Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
