I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
