I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
