FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
