that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
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you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
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Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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