I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Found the puke drawer
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
